9 Things We All Are Too Embarrassed To Admit To Doing

Here at Hey There Fat Boy, we value honesty and straightforwardness…even when it’s completely embarrassing! Because honesty, especially about one’s self, can be freeing and absolutely hilarious!

So, in the spirit of honesty, here are 9 things–because I was too lazy to write 10; see honesty–we all do, but won’t admit to.

1- “I just got your text message”

We have all done this. Maybe it’s because you’re too tired to go out for fish tacos with your best friend or you are trying to avoid that creep from work, that keeps trying to get you to try food he brings in. Whatever the case, we have all used the old “I just got your message” technique. I honestly have no idea how people blew people off before the advent of cellphones; possibly “I just got your carrier pigeon?” Either way, we all do it, but man oh man, do we hate when it’s done to us.

2- Picking Our Nose

“It’s an itch, I swear!”

Since we all discovered the cavernous gold mine that is our nasal cavity, we have all become amateur miners. Sometimes there’s a big juicy one that just has to be scrapped free, but this doesn’t stop us from playing the old blame game when we see someone knuckle deep while driving down the freeway.

Look at this disgusting animal…

3- Crying

Everyone cries. But somewhere down the line it has been engrained in us men to pretend like it’s something we don’t do.

“I’m a man! Tears are for girls!”

If you’re a guy who claims he doesn’t cry, I’m sorry, but I have to call your bluff…or at the very least, test your might by making you watch the end of Forrest Gump on an endless loop.

Seriously…that ending comes out of nowhere. I still cry every time I see a floating feather.

4- Peeing in the Shower

“There are two types of people in this world. People who admit they pee in the shower and dirty f**king liars.” – Louis Ck.

Admit it…you do it…like a lot! It doesn’t make sense not to! You get in the shower with no intention of peeing and as soon as that warm water hits your flesh…We’ve got pressure! What are you supposed to do? Get out of the shower and trek across the floor, drenching everything in your path? Of course not. Go ahead and lean back—or for the ladies, squat—and let her flow!

5- Acknowledge the Attractiveness of the Same Sex

This is generally not much of a problem for women. A woman can see an attractive girl and say she thinks she’s attractive and no one thinks differently. As a matter of fact, most women enjoy the look of another woman. Most advertisers use attractive female models in both men and women’s magazines for this very reason.

Men are not as comfortable with this. I’m here to tell you ladies; we do it too! By god, why on earth can’t I admire Ryan Goslings abs!? They look like they were chiseled in marble by the gods! That doesn’t mean I want to go house hunting with him…though, I’m not sure I’d turn him down if he were interested.

6- Claiming to Read Books You’ve Never Actually Read

There are a lot of books out there! I mean…like… a lot you guys! How am I supposed to get around to reading all 100 Must Read Books Before You Die, when I go to school, have a full time job, take care of my daughter when my wife is at school, and pursue my hobbies? ALL BE DAMNED if I’m going to look uneducated or unsophisticated because of my schedule!?

Have I read Moby Dick?

“Call me Ishmael!” …you’re not going to quiz me on this are ya?

7- Sing Bad Songs Loudly, When We Are Alone

I like Fergie’s Big Girls Don’t Cry!!! There I said it… Who can resist that catchy melody and that angelic voice! Yeah, it’s a cheesy, some would argue, terrible song, but when I am alone and that song comes on…windows and volume all the way up!

“…I hope you know, I hope you know…That this has nothing to do with you!”

8- Masturbate

You know who didn’t masturbate? …Hitler…

Okay, I cannot back that up, but the truth of the matter is that
EVERYONE does it. It’s a natural and important part of life. If you show me someone who legitimately doesn’t do it, I’ll show you a person who probably puts kittens in microwaves.

There is actually hard…pun intended…scientific evidence, that show the importance and health benefits of masturbation. A 2003 study from Australia showed that men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer!

You may live in your parents basement, but you’re less likely to end up on chemo!

Plus, I just don’t trust a person who doesn’t do it…there is something just off about em. I imagine they’re the same type of people who enjoy U2.

9- Lie

We all lie; every single day. Usually we lie about little non-significant things.

“How does my hair look?”

“Fine.”

This is a lie, but answering it, “like you lost a bet.”, might make someone take a long walk off a short cliff. Sometimes, I lie, because a lie actually makes more sense than the truth and it takes less time to explain. You may consider this being lazy, but I consider it a life rewrite; always a writer!

Take this post for example, I know you’re reading along, nodding your head like, “I do that!”, but I bet you wouldn’t admit most of them to my face. Luckily this doesn’t make you a terrible person; it just means you’re exactly like the other 7 billion people on the planet…except that guy who doesn’t masturbate. None of us are like him…

If you enjoyed this post, you may like this one as well: https://heytherefatboy.wordpress.com/2014/10/21/trivia-behind-13-halloween-favorites/

AUTHORS NOTE: DO YOU DISAGREE WITH MY LIST OR HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD? TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS BELOW! AND IF YOURE OFFENDED BY MY LIST, DONT BOTHER TELLING ME BECAUSE THESE ARE JUST MY OPINIONS, AND ARE MEANT TO BE COMICAL. HAVE A GREAT MONDAY!